i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
