i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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