I wish I could punch you in the face.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
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