WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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