according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
