youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
