Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
another moral hangover. fuck.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
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Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
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He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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