So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
