He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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