I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
