She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Be still, my beating vagina.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I know her cup size but not her name....
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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