You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
