sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
