im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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