I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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