Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Plan B is the new Plan A
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
