dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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