Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
