hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
