chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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