i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
