Only a mothe r could love this liver
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
