Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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