god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
