u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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