is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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