so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
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I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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