I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
