Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
