If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
where does the pee come out of this thing
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
