Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
