I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
