Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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