he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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