Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
