Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.