Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.