I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
