we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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