walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
