I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
