We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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