so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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