we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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