i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
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apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
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For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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