Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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