I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
