Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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