the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
