Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
