You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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