You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
