I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
