My sheets look like a crime scene.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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