You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
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Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
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Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey