Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...