I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
